The Peacemaker 2: Part 2: EMSASMD

"So let me get this straight," said Rardisar, the talking raccoon from The Peacemaker 2: Part 1: Colon, as they were walking through the forest. "You motherfuckers are telling me that some puffed-up-asshole-lookin' noble hired you to kill The Master?"

"That's right," said Louis, the talking skeleton. "All we gotta do is follow this quest marker and we'll be there in a jiffy."

"Ya'll wylin' as shit, bruh," replied Rardisar.

"Can you tell us anything about The Master?" asked Wizman, P.I., the hardest, cruelest, stone-cold-Steve-Austinest wizard-for-hire to grace Mandara with his presence.

"Well," said Rardisar, "all I know is that the motherfucker is a lich who lives in this dirty-ass cave with his shitty couch that just eats all of your change. He was once a normal motherfucker named Bobby Boy who was the nicest little bitch-ass kid you would ever see. Some motherfuckers say that one motherfuckin' day, this motherfucker motherfucked up some lame village task and ended up getting his motherfucking ass kicked out. He resented those villagers for that shit and while he was walking in the forest, a dark-ass wizard rolled up on the motherfucker and was like 'Yo, wanna stop being a tiny bitch and get real swole so you can get revenge on those villager motherfuckers?' and the little motherfucker was like 'Sho 'nuff, motherfucker!' After that, black magic turned his bitch-ass into the most fearsome lich this side of Ice Mountain."

"A lich, eh?" questioned Wizman, rhetorically. Just as Rardisar's exposition ended, the group appeared outside of the cave. "Are you all ready for this?" asked Wizman to his crew.

"Yes," said Louis. "I've been oiling up my bone muscles for the occasion."

"Yeah, you old bitch!" exclaimed Rardisar as he gripped his bowling-ball-sized testicles.

"Then let's do this!" shouted Wizman as he and the others leapt into the cave.

A tall, muscular figure was doing squats in front of his all-see ball which was displaying an 80's workout routine starring Richard Simmons. This figure had a bright pink workout bandana atop his long white hair. His skin was gray and drawn tight on his muscular frame. Besides the bandana, he wore only some skinny jeans that gripped his muscular buns tightly and a loose muscle shirt with the words "Only Onion Booties" on it. His pointed ears indicated that he was indeed an elf.

"Oh yeah," said the elf. "These thighs are getting mighty tight." He stopped his squats for a moment and conjured a demon slave.

"What would you have with me, master?" it gurgled as it bowed low. Without a word, the elf tore off the demon's head and drank the demon blood from its open neck hole. After draining the blood from its corpse, the elf then ate the demon's head. The bones in its skull added a nice texture and a chalky taste to the spiciness of raw demon flesh.

"Gotta get that protein," said the elf as he threw the body at a waste bin full of desiccated, headless demon corpses. "Yep. It's good to be The Master." Suddenly, the door to his workout den exploded and as the smoke cleared, there stood Wizman, P.I., Louis the skeleton man, and Rardisar the raccoon. "Was that shit supposed to impress me?" spoke the lich.

"No, it was meant to distract you!" shouted Louis as he charged The Master while doing cool karate. As he came at the lich, The Master bitch-slapped Louis so hard that his whole skeleton flew at his all-see ball and exploded into a pile of bones.

"Louis!" shouted Wizman, whose stone-cold heart cracked a little as the only person he ever cared about was blown to smithereens before him. The Master laughed.

"Fools! Do you know who you're messing with? I'm The Master, the greatest lich in Mandara! It's time for you fools to serve in my skeleton army forever!" With that, The Master waved his hands around and raised 50 skeletons in his workout den. It was a little cramped, but we all know Wizman will find a way. And he will. RIGHT NOW. Wizman cast a spell which force-pushed all the skeletons to the all-see ball. He then used his mental powers to overload the all-see technology and blow up the all-see ball. Flaming bones went everywhere as Wizman and Rardisar crossed their arms in victory.

"You're gonna have to do better than that, ya punk-ass bitch!" said the raccoon.

"With pleasure," said The Master as he air-guitared something that looked, by my speculation, pretty wicked. Suddenly, the entire top portion of the cave was removed and tossed to the side by a giant zombie rabbit. The bright light made Wizman and Rardisar squint a little. The zombie rabbit let out a horrific squeal that could be heard throughout Mandara. The rabbit brought down its paw in an attempt to crush the two heroes, but they just barely dodged. Wizman had to think fast.

"Rardisar, quick, grab the fist on my staff!" he said. The raccoon did so. Wizman then began spinning around the platinum staff faster and faster until Rardisar let go and flew nuts first at the zombbit's face. The balls connected, a critical hit, and the whole skull was crushed by the dense raccoon nuts. The whole zombie rabbit collapsed outside of the cave and Rardisar landed back to Wizman's side.

"Didn't that hurt, having your nuts hit that zombie that hard?" asked Wizman.

"Nah, bro. My nuts are indestructible. That's what makes me a mythical beast," said the raccoon. The Master had had enough.

"If you want something done right," said The Master as he moved his lame couch out of the way, "you have to do it yourself." The Master shot black lightning at Wizman, but Wizman conjured a magic shield that reflected the dark energy all over the cave. Wizman then put down his shield and cast magical cleats on his feet. He then Liu Kang bicycle kicked all the way across the room and kicked the shit out of The Master's face. He worked that shit like a speed bag. Bloody, bruised, and broken, The Master fell down and then stood back up, dazed. Rardisar let out a well-voiced "Finish Him" and Wizman slapped The Master's face so hard that his head spun around and broke his neck. The head kept spinning and the flesh and sinews that held his head in place were stretched and broken. His head then helicoptered out of the den and went into the cupboard next to the sink. It then came out on a fine silver plate that was also spinning and helicoptered back into the den. It landed in Rardisar's hands and he held up the plate.

"Wizman wins! Fatality!" exclaimed Rardisar.

"Yes," said Wizman as he picked up Louis' skull, "but at what cost?" Wizman and Rardisar gave the now for reals dead Louis a proper burial outside of the cave. Wizman etched a tombstone and placed it at Louis' resting place. It read: "Here lies Louis, the baddest-ass skeleton that ever lived and also the closest thing to a friend I ever had." Wizman shed one manly tear onto Louis' grave. Rardisar shed many. Rardisar packed up his nuts and parted ways with Wizman, stating that the forests outside of Pule were his turf and he had to make sure that anyone who rolled on through it got dissed hard. Wizman understood and made his way back to Pule's keep where Cabrus was waiting for him.

"Here you go," said Wizman as he dropped the head and plate on the ground before Cabrus.

"Wonderful," he said as one of his guards picked up the platter and took it into another room.

"Where's my payment?" asked Wizman. Cabrus' countenance darkened.

"Yes, about that 'payment,'" he said as Cabrus' guards surrounded Wizman and brandished their halberds. "You see, while you were off adventuring, a certain economic opportunity came to me via a group of elven bureaucrats who are offering me a massive amount of gold in exchange for your capture." Cabrus' began to eat some spaghetti that he had sitting on his desk this whole time. "Now, I figured I could kill two birds with one stone by having you kill The Master and then capturing you for more profit." Before Wizman could act, bolts and arrows flew in from the windows, killing all of the guards in the room. Cabrus stopped eating his spaghetti and tried to run, but two bolts hit him in the knees and one more went right through his head. Blood was pretty much everywhere. A group of elves stepped into the main hall and Wizman turned to them. By the look of their soot-covered clothes, they appeared to be from the city of Hexum. A large gentleelf stepped forward. He wore fine robes embroidered with jewelry and expensive furs. He was sweating rather profusely as he held out his hand for a shake.

"The name's T. L. Moneybags, and I'm the mayor of the city of Hexum." Wizman shook his sweaty hand and quickly rubbed it on his cloak to dry it off. "I take it you're Wizman, P.I."

"Yeah," said Wizman. "Are you going to try to kill me too?"

"No, my boy," chuckled Mayor Moneybags as he put a sweaty arm around the wizard. "I have a problem that I'd like for you to solve. If you solve this problem for me, I'll pay you more than that petty noble Cabrus ever could."

"What do I need to do?" asked the wizard coldly.

"Haha!" exclaimed the mayor to his attendants. "I told you all that he was the real deal!" He turned back to the wizard. "Anyway, I need you to take care of a certain rogue who managed to abscond with my daughter a few nights ago." He handed Wizman a wanted scroll. "This here is you're mark. He and whoever he works for need to die." Wizman looked down at the image of a goblin with a moustache and a scar on his nose. "He might be working to reunite my daughter and her basehead boyfriend, so my boys here will ferry you to his cave so ya'll can stake it out. My sources indicate that this one is called Paul. Paul the Rogue."

"Fine," said the disgruntled Wizman, "just make sure that I get paid this time or shit will go down." With that, the whole party assembled in a bone-limo and drove out of Pule.

THE END