Reservoir Rogues

2:57PM, D-Day

The well-dressed gentlemen entered the bone elevator.

"Are you ready?"

"What the fuck do I look like?"

"An ugly-ass orc." Several of them chuckled

"Hey fuck you, you pointy-eared prick!"

"A simple 'yes' would have sufficed." Third floor.

"Fuck your 'yes.' This isn't the time for these fucking pleasantries."

"Don't fucking talk to him like that. We're a team and shit isn't going to work if we argue over meaningless bullshit like this." Seventh floor.

"I just wanted a direct answer. We need to be succinct in our communications."

"Fuck your succinction, you stupid gnome!" Ninth floor.

"Will you fuckers shut up and focus for two fucking seconds?!"

"Alright, alright, fuck."

"Say, you've been quiet since we got in here. What do you make of this?"

"I think we're in a real shitty situation that could get even more shitty if we fuck this up."

"Don't worry, we won't." Thirteenth floor. Ping! The elevator doors opened and a small old lady entered the elevator. She exchanged strangers' smiles with the men as they all exited the elevator and hung left down the hallway.

9:00AM, One day before D-Day

"Alright, you fuckers," said the old wizard Forthronix to the five gentlemen before him. "You have one job, one fucking job, and if you fuck it up, you're not going to live to tell your mothers that you fucked up." He sat down on a stool in front of them. "Now then, I don't give a fuck who you were before you entered this room; you will be assigned names to ensure that if anyone gets nabbed, no one squeals. You, human, are codenamed Blackjack. Gnome, you're Doctor Love. Elf, you're codenamed Hot Bitch. Orc, you'll be Creampuff. Troll, you're HIV. Any questions?"

"Why the fuck do I have to be Creampuff?" asked Creampuff. "Why can't I have a cool name like 'Blackjack,' or at least one that's half descent like 'Hot Bitch?'"

"Fuck your proclivities," said Forthronix. "Your names are your names. You can stick with it or leave."

"Motherfucker..." said Creampuff under his breath.

"Can we go through the plan once more?" asked the gnome, Doctor Love.

"Sure. You go into the apartment building, find the squealer, and ice him. It's as simple as that," said Forthronix as he pooped his pants. He was very old.

"How is his bodyguard?" asked Blackjack.

"Real tight," said Forthronix, "but you're all capable rogues, quite literally the best I could find. I have forged passes and badges for you all. You'll all pose as cops. You gain entry into the building and then get up to his room. You do what needs to be done, and then you leave the building, no heat."

"And what if shit doesn't go as planned?" asked Creampuff, indignantly.

"You'll figure that shit out if it happens. Anything else?" No one said a word. "Alright then. Go to the next room and you can pick up your equipment."

2:49AM, Seven days before D-Day

Fucking baby. Fuck, my baby. Get up. Out of bed. No sunlight. Door, open. Few steps. Here seems good. Left. Door? No, further down. There it is. Turn the knob. Open up. All noise from baby. Go to crib. Fuck, that's loud. Pick up baby. Name. Name? Olivia. No, wife. Rock baby over shoulder. Name of baby? Julia? No, evil mother-in-law. Fuck Julia. Baby. Baby make gurgle noise. Baby. Name? Fuck. Wesley? Wesley. Yes. Wesley. Son Wesley. Wesley warm. Too warm. And smelly. Sniff. Regret. Diaper change. Ugh.

11:27AM, D-Day

"Don't point that shit at me," said Hot Bitch as he loaded his crossbow.

"Calm down, I'm just trying to get a feel for the sights on this thing," said Creampuff. They were all in a tavern having what they expected to be, for some of them, their last meal. All the rogues were dressed in black leather armor with their cowls and masks down.

"You shouldn't even have that shit out right now," said Blackjack. "We're trying to have a meal here. Let's at least get the job off of our minds for thirty goddamn minutes."

"He's right," spoke Dr. Love, "Thinking too much about the job would increase anxiety and stress levels and make us more prone to unprofessional mistakes."

"Goddamn, this armor chafes," said Hot Bitch as he adjusted the special magic armor beneath his black leather armor.

"It's alright, you just have to get used to it," said Dr. Love. "We're all wearing it and you don't hear anyone else complaining."

"Hey Dr. Love, what's it like?" asked Creampuff as he scarfed down more steak.

"What? Having a wizard's staff up my ass? Fantastic." The whole table laughed hard except for Creampuff, who was disgruntled by being cheated out of his punch line.

"You know," said HIV in a captivating voice, "I think I just realized something. You guys are quite possibly the worst company a fellow could keep." Everyone leaned in and looked at him as he raised his mug of ale. "And I wouldn't have it any other way." The whole table laughed even harder at that. The rest of the meal went by rather quickly. They all quaffed what was left of their drinks and left the establishment. They got on their designated horses and rode hard for the city of Vandus.

3:01PM, D-Day

The five gentlemen in black walked swiftly down the hallway, gliding past the checkpoints by flashing their fake badges. They finally arrived at the room. #2307.

"Prepare yourselves, boys," said Creampuff as he picked the lock on the door. Click. Creampuff turned the knob and opened the door. All five men entered the room and closed the door behind them. The apartment was very dirty and disorganized but, otherwise, empty. "What the fuck? Where the hell is our mark?" asked Creampuff.

"You think he left to take a piss or something?" asked Hot Bitch as he checked under the bed. Nothing.

"Don't be an asshole," said Creampuff. "Shit, what the hell are we going to tell that wizard fucker?"

"Check this shit out," said Blackjack as he held up a note with something scribbled on it. "'How does it feel to get buttfucked?'" Blackjack read aloud. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at each other. A soft whirring noise could be heard from the other side of the wall adjacent to the hallway.

"Get down!" yelled HIV. The whole crew dove for the floor as bolts shot through the wall and across the room, breaking holes in the walls. All anyone could hear was the terrifying hum of a Gatling crossbow and the destruction it caused. Bolts ripped through many of the appliances in the room and shattered all of the windows. The insulation from the walls was floating gently down around the gentlemen, almost in defiance of the ear-splitting chaos that surrounded them. Blackjack felt a pull on his arm. He looked up to see Creampuff trying to get him up.

"Come on," shouted the orc, "We have to get the fuck out of here!" Blackjack and Creampuff crawled to the bathroom, which was yet undamaged. Dr. Love closed the door after the two got in.

"What the fuck is going on?" yelled Hot Bitch, who was sweating profusely.

"That fucker, Forthronix, must've set us up!" said Creampuff.

"But why? What the hell did we do to him?" pondered HIV.

"We don't have time to think about that now," yelled Blackjack. "We need to figure out how we're going to get out of this fucking apartment block. Any ideas?"

"Well," said Dr. Love, "There is a way to get out of this, but it's going to take guts."

"Right now, besides our crossbows, our armor, the gold that Forthronix paid us, and our common sense, guts are all we have," said Hot Bitch. Dr. Love pondered this for a moment and then spoke.

"Everyone get in the tub."

"So, how's the family?" asked one guard to another as they stood guard on the twelfth floor.

"Pretty ok, I guess," said the second guard. "And yours?"

"Ok too," replied the first. "Say, what do you make of the boss's plan to merc those rogues he hired by making them do a job that wasn't real?"

"I don't know," said the second, "It doesn't make much sense to me. I mean, what advantage could he possible gain by killing some mercenary rogues?"

"Beats me," replied the first again. There was a loud thud from directly above them. Both guards looked above in response. They looked at each other, shrugged, and returned to their guard. Suddenly, the ceiling above them broke open with a loud crack and an iron bathtub came crashing down on the two guards, crushing them almost instantly. As the tub connected with the floor below, the floor broke open and the tub continued its violent descent. Floor after floor, the rogues shielded themselves from the flying splints of wood and sections of pipe that flew everywhere as a result of Dr. Love's plan. The tub finally landed in a meaty thud on the first floor.

Everything was still for a moment. Dr. Love peered over the edge of the blood-covered bathtub. The Vandusian police force quickly burst into the building, heavily armored and wielding halberds and crossbows. Soon, they were completely surrounded.

"Get out of the tub," sounded a wizard officer casting a megaphone spell from behind a barricade. "Put your hands on your head and step away from the tub, slowly!" The team eyed one another and then Dr. Love.

"I have a plan for this, too. Just follow my lead," whispered Dr. Love. He rose from the tub with his hands in the air and the rest of the outfit followed. They stepped out of the tub.

"Get on the ground!" yelled the officer wizard. The group did not comply. "You have 5 seconds to comply! 5!" HIV breathed in and out slowly. "4!" Beads of sweat formed on Hot Bitch's forehead. "3!" Creampuff made a loud gulp noise. "2!" Dr. Love pulled at his shirt collar nervously. "1!" Blackjack had just finished praying for his son, Wesley. Just then, crossbow bolts shot at them from every angle. Their bodies were peppered with bolts, causing them to fall to the ground in the hail of metal. After 15 seconds of non-stop fire, the wizard raised his hand to signal a cease fire. He took off his sunglasses to reveal that he was, in fact, Forthronix. He walked from the barricade. He saw the pile of bolt-riddled bodies lying in a pool of... nothing. Suddenly, the bodies began to rise. Forthronix stopped dead in his tracks. All the crossbowmen re-aimed their crossbows. Suddenly, the five gentlemen stood straight up, hands at their sides, and began to twitch their heads to the left. They did it again, and again, and again and then began to move their heads side to side as they slide to the side on one foot. When they were near the splits, they rose back to maximum height and clapped their hands above their heads. They then continued to do the rest of the "Thriller" dance routine. Everyone present was stunned. All of the Vandusian guards fainted from the skill with which the routine was performed. Even Forthronix's goons fell unconscious from the synchronization of every action and pose. After all the armed men were knocked out, the five men stopped dancing and turned to Forthronix.

"What? How did you survive the bolt barrage?" asked the endlessly pained Forthronix.

"Those vests you gave us? They were bolt-proof!" said Dr. Love. Forthronix snapped his fingers.

"Aw snap! I guess you got me," said the wizard as he got down on one knee. The rogues equipped their melee weapons as they approached him; Blackjack drew his twin shortswords, Creampuff drew his two-handed axe, Hot bitch withdrew his elven longsword, Dr. Love drew his dagger, and HIV equipped his steel knuckles. Just then, Forthronix drew a magic wand from his boot and aimed it at the group. "Stay back!" shouted Forthronix. He tried to cast magic missiles, but his wand only made fart noises. Forthronix checked his wand's power meter. "Aw shit! I forgot to charge it when I got home yesterday." The rogues mutilated the old, defenseless wizard with their weapons. Before the old man finally croaked, HIV spoke.

"Take this you sweaty, old bitch," he said as he swung his steel fist at Forthronix's head. The fist connected and the cheatin'-ass wizard's head flew right off its shoulders. The head flew up in the air and Hot Bitch threw his sword into the head and sent it and his blade flying.

"I'm gonna need that back at one point," said HB. Bloody, achy, and tired, the rogues made a promise to forget that this day ever happened and never cross paths again. They got on their horses and parted ways.

THE END