Life Ain't Nothing But Bitches And Money

"Hand over the gold!" yelled the elf bandit as he waved his knife around threateningly at an old woman.

"Please, sonny," said the old lady, "I need these two gold pieces to buy kitten food for my kitten. He's sick, you see, and when he gets sick, he just gets this uncontrollable diarrhea that just gets everywhe--"

"Shut up!" shouted the bandit as he came closer to the lady. "I'm just gonna have to cut you down, lady. Say goodbye to your pathetic and miserable life!" He raised his hand to deliver a deathblow and the old woman cowered on the ground, awaiting her death. His blade was inches from her head when a hand caught the bandit's arm and stopped it. The bandit looked up to see the face of Paul, the goblin rogue.

"Murdering an old lady? Come on," said Paul. "If you kill people, you can't rob them later."

"Huh," exclaimed the bandit. "Never thought of that one. You're really smart!"

"Thanks, I know. Just take the lady's gold and then let her run away to gather more gold honestly, of which we will then relieve her dishonestly."

"Alright." Both men turned to the old woman.

"Aw come on!" said the old lady with a look of disbelief on her face. She rifled through her purse and handed the two gold pieces to the bandit.

"Thank you, my good lady," said the bandit. "And thank you to you too," he said to Paul, but Paul had already disappeared from the scene.

After facilitating some larceny, Paul the goblin rogue was pimp-walking through the city of Hexum. Shit was real tight, yo. Tighter than Paul's spandex. Anyway, Paul was walking down the road when suddenly a dwarf approached him.

"Hey there, pal," he said in an Australian accent. "Are you Paul? Paul the kick-ass, bad-ass, cool-ass, big-booty-lovin'-ass rogue?"

"You forgot 'no-rent-payin'-ass.' It goes between 'cool-ass' and 'big-booty-lovin'-ass,'" said Paul.

"Ah, thanks, mate. My apologies. Anyway, I've got a roguish job for ya," said the dwarf as he removed a scroll from his satchel. "My associates will pay you handsomely for your services."

"What do I gotta steal?" asked the rogue. "Money? A special artifact? Someone's 'Game of Thrones' DVD collection?"

"No, mate," said the dwarf as he began to walk away. "Just read the scroll." Flustered, the goblin sat down on someone's porch and read the scroll. Apparently, someone wanted Paul to steal something particularly sacred. This was an unusual request, for whoever sent this scroll to him wanted him to kidnap the mayor's daughter. Paul reasoned that it was probably for ransom. Hexum was a city known for its corruption. Anywho, Paul figured that a job was a job and thought that if he got paid by some of these crime lords, he could finally retire from the rogue business and get that house on the Orminz beach down south that he'd always wanted. Paul continued daydreaming for a bit, then got up and walked in the direction of the mayor's palace, formulating the most cunning plan he could possibly think of.

The mayor's palace was a sprawling villa with many watch towers and a wall made out of diamonds and barbed wire. Within the wall was an expansive lawn with many fountains and giant pearls just sitting around. The mansion itself was the crown jewel of the entire city. It had marble pillars and was at least four stories tall. There was a team of six guards at the front gate, all equipped with embroidered cuirasses and fancy swords. They were just chewing the fat on their night watch.

"Did that really happen?" questioned the human guard.

"Yeah, man," said the lizard man guard. "All I did was give the ol' wife a footrub and BAM! Nasty BJ's for a whole week."

"Now, you gotta tell us," said a tall orc guard. "How nasty were the BJ's in question?"

"Dude," said the lizard, "she did shit to me that I didn't even know was ethical."

"Please tell me-us-more," said the elf, clearly aroused. All the other guards leaned in on the lizard man. Before the lizard man could speak, a dagger flew right into the elf's boner, splitting his dick down the middle. "AAAAUUUUGGHGH!!" shouted the elf perv. He grabbed each half of his erect member and fell to the ground in pain. All the guards drew their swords.

"Who's there?" shouted the dwarven guard who also happened to be the captain. Suddenly, out from the darkness walked Paul the goblin rogue. All the guards surrounded him quickly. "Alright, punk," said the dwarf, "you're going to do hard time for assault of a royal palace guard."

"That's the wrong 'you're'," said the rogue.

"What?" questioned the dwarf. "How can you even tell which 'your' I'm using? I'm speaking to you." While the captain was confused, Paul managed to climb the gate and started running for the palace. The captain, befuddled, blew his whistle and air raid sirens began to blare throughout the compound. Many guards with torches and brandished weapons ran out into the field. Paul booked it and made it to the house before any guards could spot him. He smashed right through the front door and smashed through another door just for fun. He then searched the house for a staircase.

"Over there!" yelled a voice from outside as torches began to move to the door. Paul had to act quickly. He found a dumbwaiter and hopped right inside. The door closed and he began to move up. Paul was perplexed because he didn't even push the button on the outside. It slowly and silently crept upwards as Paul heard the sound of military boots stomping throughout the floor beneath him. Sweat dripped down his brow as the movement of the torchlight below disoriented him. What have I gotten myself into? he thought. Kidnapping the mayor's daughter? What the fuck? I should have just denied the job as soon as I figured out it wasn't normal. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Paul's thoughts were stopped dead in their tracks when his dumbwaiter clicked to signify that it was now on the floor that requested it. His heart was racing. Sweat must have been all over him. He prepared his dagger to stab the shit out of whoever requested this dumbwaiter. The door opened and he was met with the beautiful, youthful face of a golden-skinned elf maiden. Based on how expensive her dress looked, she must have been his target. They both remained motionless as soon as they locked eyes. Suddenly, she spoke.

"You're not Harvey," she said as she disappointedly walked back to her bed and sat on it. Paul, still shocked from the encounter, got out of the dumb waiter and stealth-ran to the door. and pressed his ear against it. Nothing. For now. He then turned to the maiden.

"Who the fuck is Harvey?" he said, still breathing heavily.

"Don't fucking talk to me like that," she said. "And if you must know, he's my damn good-for-nothing boyfriend. My dad said he doesn't like me dating trolls and I told him that he should keep his racism to himself and then he said that as long as I date him, I'm grounded and..." As she spoke her long run-on sentence very loudly, Paul kind of zoned out and thought about other things, like whether the fuck or not he should just leave. "Wait," she said once more. "I'm grounded, so you must be here to get me out of here and take me to Harvey! Eeeeeek!" she squealed in joy.

"Shut the fuck up for two fucking seconds, ok?" Paul whisper-yelled at her. He then though for a moment and spoke. "Yes, I'm here to break you out or whatever. Your boyfriend paid me to take you to some, uh, 'friends' of his that would see you to him."

"No need to be a prick," said the mayor's uppity daughter. Just then, shouting could be heard behind the door. Paul could see moving lights shine from beneath the door.

"Alright, shit, we need to move now," said Paul. He then went over to the window and smashed it open with a chair. Without a word, he grabbed her and dragged her to the window.

"Wait," she said, "I have to pack my things!" Just as they reached the window, the door broke open and in poured twenty guards. After a mad-dogging competition, the dwarven captain stepped forward.

"Alright, lad," he said with a smug look on his face. "Give it up now, and we won't be forced to dismember you."

"And split your dick in half!" shouted the still pained elf guard from before.

"Shut up, Balram!" shouted the maiden at the guard. "Daddy can't get between me and Harvey! Our love will be forever!" Balram was confused.

"Wait, is that what this is about?" asked the dwarf as he removed his helmet to scratch his head.

"Yes and no," interjected Paul as he jumped out of the window with the maiden. It was then that Paul realized that the mayor's daughter's room was on the fourth story. It was also then that Paul pushed a button on his left cowboy boot and a parachute came out of the tip. He and the maiden landed safely on the lawn below and booked it into the town proper. Balram and the guards stood there in the window.

"Well, I'm fucked," said Balram.

THE END