Cooking the Cursed Casserole of Cajoling, Castigation, and Careless Chaotic Conundrums

It was a fine summer's day in Mandara. The birds were singing, the bees were buzzing, and the clouds had happy faces in them as they rolled over the gentle central Mandaran plains. Too bad this story doesn't take place here. It instead takes place in the south Mandaran swamps, a nasty, dirty place that had two things that were never in short supply: mud and mosquitoes. Despite the nastiness of this place, some still decided to make their homes here. One such person was the locally renowned human wizard Sopnax who lived there in his tower. Sopnax was a relatively young wizard; he was only 209 years old and had black hair without a single gray streak. In spite of his youthful appearance, he still kept a respectable library of books in his tower that he needed to increase his wizardly power. He was a rather wise wizard who knew that a wizard was only as good as his library. He just got out of bed that day and decided that it was time to go through the forbidden section of his library. After eating some Wizard-O's and milk, he went into his library. There, behind the X-rated section, was a cobweb-covered door with a demon eye in it that opened as Sopnax approached. A voice came from the door.
"Hey Sopnax, what's good, my man?" asked the door.
"Not much, homie," replied the wizard. "Say, do you mind opening so I can get to the forbidden books?"
"Now dawg," said the door as it closed its eye. "You know that I can't let you in unless you say the passverse." Sopnax sighed and then spoke.
"Cuz I'm the type of wizard that's built to last;
  If you fuck wit me, I'll put my staff in ya ass!
  See, I don't give a fuck 'cause I keep castin'.
  Yo, what the fuck are they blastin'?" Sopnax said. The door opened its eye and answered.
"Wizard, wizard! That's what they blastin'!
  It's not about the ecstasy; it's all about the fantasy!" With that, the door swung open. Inside was a sight for sore eyes. The whole room was empty and full of cobwebs. There wasn't a single book in that motherfucker.
"There isn't a single book in this motherfucker," said Sopnax, sadly. He was just about to leave when he spotted something that made his heart leap with joy. There, tucked away in a corner, was a purple book with no text on the outside. He picked it up and wiped the dust off of it. "Aha! Finally!" he exclaimed as he left the room. Sopnax climbed the steps of his tower and went into his alchemic laboratory.
"Time to see what's so forbidden about this book here..." he said as he flipped through the pages. Every single page in the book was blank. "Aw, this is bullshit!" Sopnax shouted as he threw the book at one of the cabinets. It fell on the countertop on the only two pages in the book that contained any text.
"Gasp, something forbidden!" Sopnax approached the book and read the pages. "Hmm. Hmmmm. Mmhmmm. Hey, wait a minute! This is just a casserole recipe!" As Sopnax continued to examine the pages, he soon realized that it was no ordinary casserole. It was, instead, the legendary Cursed Casserole of Cajoling and Careless Chaotic Conundrums, first conjured by the great wizard, Alliteration Wizard. It is said to bestow a powerful curse to any who eat it. Sopnax knew what he had to do now. He would cook this mighty casserole and prove to everyone that the swamps of south Mandara are good for something!
Sopnax assembled the ingredients in his alchemy cauldron. One pound of orc brains, six feet of firebear intestines, 27 rabies-infected hamsters, a pinch of parsley, a rat's weird uncle's gold tooth, exactly 2.58 dragon nuts, a handful of glowing plutonium, a gallon of ground-up troll skull powder, and a pine tree for that nutty aftertaste. Sopnax then cut off his own left ear and threw it in. It was complete. The whole cauldron shook as the ingredients interacted. That cauldron looked like it had a Deadmau5 concert going on in there with all them multicolored lights. Anyway, shit was real swole for a bit as the casserole simmered. Several days later, Sopnax peered into the cauldron.
"It's complete!" said Sopnax. He took out the good china and scooped out the casserole onto his plate. He raised his fork valiantly. This was it. He was about to see what was so damn forbidden about this casserole. As he sunk the fork into the casserole, it shouted in pain.
"Ah, what the fuck?! Why the goddamn, shit-ass fuck would you stab me, bro?" said the casserole. Sopnax jumped in fright.
"What? You can talk?"
"You bet your shitty ass I can talk!" the casserole said as it spoke through a mouth that had a gold tooth in it. "And I'm gonna wreck your ass for summoning the most forbidden casserole in all of Mandara!
"Well," said Sopnax, "I'd love to see just how horrible a casserole can be, but first things first, I must know how you taste."
"What? No! You ain't eating me!
"Here comes Mister Knife," said the wizard as he pretended it was an airplane or something. "He's about to send you into a dark pit where you'll be burned alive and eventually dissolved into oblivion!"
"No, please! Please!" Sopnax forked the whole casserole and flung it straight into his gullet. As the enzymes in his stomach ripped the casserole apart molecule by molecule, it uttered a weak groan. "I curse you, human," it said before all went silent. Sopnax burped and then went to bed in the alchemy room. He awoke to find that his manly wizard beard was unusually scratchy.
"Damn this beard be itchy," he said.
"Not as itchy as yo mommas coochy after she got tha herps!" said the beard.
"Whoa, you can talk too?"
"That's right. I'm the Beard of Cajoling, Castigation, and Careless Chaotic Conundrums, bitch!"
"So the curse is that I have a talking beard that could diss the shit out of a closed booty hole?," said the wizard.
"Damn straight, son! Let's go merc on some fools, unless you're such a wimp-ass bitch that you let 5-year-olds skip rope with your flimsy fucking spine!" DJ air horns began to play as a magical pair of shades floated down onto the beard.
"Aw shit, let's do this!" said Sopnax. With that, Sopnax and the Beard of Cajoling, Castigation, and Careless Chaotic Conundrums went out to go do some goon shit.
THE END

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