Another Peaceful Day in Mandara

In the Maelstrom district of Hexum, Snake Lord Flamespeak was the hip-hop-happeningest battle rapper in all of Mandara. Flamespeak a snake-man who would face many a creature who thought that he or she could contend with him, only to figuratively spit flames that destroyed all their hopes and dreams and to literally spew flames that burned his defeated opponents to ashes. Flamespeak was as dangerous as his bars were fucking amazing. After defeating and incinerating the famed dwarven battle rapper, Farticus, Flamespeak had held the "Best Battler" title from every single rap battle league in Mandara. Coincidentally, he was also the only member of many of those leagues. It seemed as though his monopoly on the rap battle game was so rocksteady, that he would forever reign as Lord of Battle Rap. That is, until one day...

"Don't try and hold me back, mom!" said Lil Lenny, a 13-year-old aspiring goblin battler. "You can't keep me from BattleFest 3E227 (that is, 227 years after the beginning of the Third Epoch)! I'm gonna prove my skills to the world!"

"Son, I'm not holding you back from the contest because you're bad at battle rapping," said Lil Lenny's mom, Cathy. "I'm holding you back because I don't want you to get killed by that Snake Man. I know you're going to challenge him because there are literally no other battle rappers. They're all too scared, and you should be too." Her words crushed Double L's soul. "Now go on to bed you rapscallion." Lenny paused for a moment and then went upstairs to his room. He waited until nightfall to leave the house. He stole Old Man Horatio's horse and rode him all the way to the city of Hexum.

In the Maelstrom district, Flamespeak and his entourage slithered into a tavern/local hangout called The Squeaky Mic. A whole audience was gathered there in the hopes that someone would be stupid enough to send him/herself to an early grave before the unbeatable Flamespeak. Flamespeak entered and was greeted with clearly fake applause. He took center stage and examined the area.

"No contendersss?" said the haughty Snake Lord. "Well, I guesssss that thisss is another victory to Flamessspeak." Just as the people got up to leave, the doors to the tavern burst open.

"Hold on there you piece of shit-filled asshole!" yelled out the up-and-coming Lil Lenny dressed in his gangster attire, which consisted of no shirt, baggy pants, a sideways baseball cap, a pink bandana on his head, and several cereal box tattoos on his chest.

"Your bitch asssss think you can ssstep to a motherfucker as fresh as me?" said the Snake Lord as he ripped off his shirt and flexed his rippling body. Some of his goons sprayed oil on his muscles so they looked even more bone-engorging.

"Enough talk, bitch! Let's rap!" yelled Lil Lenny as the whole audience cheered wildly. The head orc referee told everyone to hold it down and the stage was set.

"I'll go firssst," said Flamespeak as he grabbed the mic from the orc.

"Now let me give you a lessssson on why Flamessspeak is the rawessst.

  I kill people with my barsss becaussse my ssskillsss are ssso flawlesss.

  Ssso if you think you can roll up in my crib and win thisss contessst,

  I'll put my foot in your asssss and beat you 'till you're lifelesssss."

The audience golf-clapped respectfully and now turned to Lil Lenny, who hadn't even changed his facial expression the whole time. He snatched the mic from Flamespeak and let forth raps of his own.

"Is this it? Is this really the legendary Flamespeak?

  I could merc this fool easily without even gettin' out of my sheets.

  With your awful flow and your annoying lisp,

  I'm surprised that they don't call you 'Flamespit.'

  I'm already drenched, not in tears, but your saliva,

  And you know you can't beat me lifeless because 'I'm a surviva!'

  By the way, the name's Lil Lenny, but you can call me 'Double L'

  Because I'll hit you with a double roundhouse kick that'll send your ass straight to hell."

The whole audience, astonished by this newcomer's skill, let out an uproar of applause and cheers. Many of the veteran G's broke down in tears. Could it be? Could this rapper be the one who would finally open up the battle rap scene to people who don't want to get burned alive by Flamespeak? Before the reader could keep pondering these questions, the enraged Flamespeak grabbed the microphone from Lil Lenny's hands and let forth some impassioned bars.

"Alright, Lil Bitch, you're about to get hit

  by either my 46-inch pythonsss or my hard-assss titsss

  'caussse I'm a sssoldier, killin' tha bitchesss and takin' the richesss

  and leavin' your assss with nothing, not even pantsss to shit in.

  You know what, I prefer 'Double L' 'caussse it ssstandsss for Double Lossser

  'caussse your weak barsss will losssse you thisss round and your lame bod will make you lossse her

  to me and my sssexy absss. You over there have flimsssy flab.

  I'll knock you're bitch-assss out and run you over in a bone-taxicab."

All the club patrons lost their shit at that line. Orcs were straight-up punching each other in the face just to make sure that they hadn't died and gone to rap heaven. What a comeback! There was no way Lil Lenny could top that! Lenny nodded his head in respect and then grabbed the microphone from Flamespeak. With a determined look on his face, he orated his rebuttal:

"Suck my fucking dick, you piece-of-shit-ass piece of shit!

  And don't give me any teeth or you'll need another stitch!

  I'll kill you, rape your crops, burn your shit,

  And then you'll know just what fuck it means to be a Lil Bitch

  I'll shit in your mouth like I'm shitting on you now

  Then I'll ice the rest of your crew in ways that'll make their mamas say "How?"

  You couldn't enunciate to save your life; you really should take a bow.

  Ok, I'll help. Repeat after me: How now brown cow?"

The audience got super swole off that dope-ass disrespect. So swole, that the whole audience started thrashing the security guards that were meant to protect the rappers as they battled. Lil Lenny then held the mic out to Flamespeak's face and dropped it at his feet. Several elves in the audience died of cranial explosion from the 'tude in that gesture. Flamespeak's eyes were red with fury. His whole body shook with rage as smoke began to billow from his snake nostrils and snake heat sensors. He stomped in the ground and the microphone flew directly up in front of him. He snatched it from the air and spoke, flames occasionally licking the air as they jumped out from his throat.

"I'm gonna skin you alive and drench you in lemon juice,

  Then I'll cover you in catkins and feed you to a moose.

  But before he eats up your spine, I'll grab your meaty skull one more time,

  And cut you up like Scarface before I stick twelve needles in each eye.

  I don't give a fuck about my crew; I don't give a fuck about their moms,

  But if you diss on my speaking disability again, you'll need more than burn balm.

  I'm gonna punch out all of your blood and put it in a bucket!

  I don't know how that was related, but you know what? Fuck it!"

With that, Flamespeak let out a jet of flames aimed at Lil Lenny. Lenny managed to dodge the attack, but many audience members were not so lucky. Lenny got up and ran for the exit, but the door had been locked on the occasion that Flamespeak felt like burning the whole building down with everyone inside. Lenny's goose seemed quite literally cooked as Flamespeak approached the little goblin. He grabbed him and threw him back to center stage. Lenny landed with a thud that sounded like several broken ribs and some partial liver damage. Lenny rolled onto his back and stared at the Snake Lord as he stood over him.

"Well, Lil Bitch, looks like this is the end of your little adventure," said the Flamespeak, who seemed to have no qualms with killing a 13-year-old kid. "You should have never gotten out of bed today, kid." Flamespeak grabbed Lil Lenny by the throat and raised him up high. Lenny looked in the face of his soon-to-be-executioner with bloodshot eyes and saw the light of the flames at the back of his throat as he inhaled. Suddenly, an flying axe cut Flamespeak's arm right he hell off, dropping Lil Lenny. Flamespeak let out a blaze of fire in pain. He looked to see who could have the balls to do such a thing only to realize that the person who did that had no balls whatsoever.

"No one lays a finger on my boy," said Cathy as she pulled on the chain attached to the axe, "and lives to tell about it." The axe flew back into Cathy's hand, which was, like the rest of her body, covered in fine steel plate armor. On her chest was emblazoned the phrase "Cathy the Castigator."

"Mom!" exclaimed the bruised Lenny.

"Shush yourself! I'll deal with you later," said Cathy.

"Get that bitch!" yelled Flamespeak as he tried to stem the flow of blood from his arm hole. Flamespeak's troll goons surrounded Cathy, brandishing swords and maces. Three goons charged her from the front. Cathy swung her axe chain so hard that it wrapped around all three of their throats. She pulled hard on the chain and broke all three of their necks at once. One of the goons shouted.

"That was my cousin you daughter-of-a-bitch!" he said as he raised his sword in defiance. Cathy dropped the chain and removed twin daggers from beneath her skirt. Yes, she was wearing a beautiful cloth skirt that went down to her steel greaves because this lady has real class when it comes to killing your ass. She killed that man in a way that only a loving mother could: by catching his sword with her daggers, kicking him in the chest, and then stabbing him once in the neck and once through the top of his skull so that the blade caused one of his eyes to pop out. Two more troll gangsters approached her from behind, but she threw a potion behind her that landed at the feet of the two bandits. They stepped in it, but noticed no notable effect. They got down and licked the potion, only to realize that their tongues were now stuck and they couldn't move. Their tongue's burned perpetually like when you lick an ice-cold metal pole in the street. Cathy deemed that fate as satisfactory punishment. There was one troll left. He dropped his sword and broke down crying, begging for his life. In this moment of weakness, Cathy saw that this troll gangster was young, perhaps younger than her own son. She put away her daggers, grabbed the boy and gave him a stern talking-to.

"Now just what do you think you're doing out this late, hm? You know, you're mother is probably worried sick looking for you. What would your parents say, huh? What would they say if they knew that you had gone and gotten yourself involved with gangsters now? Don't you know that they love you and want you to grow up to be better than this?" The boy dried his tears and left frustrated that he couldn't be in a gang, but he knew that Cathy really cared. He would later go home, tell the truth and apologize to his parents, and grow up to be a fine, upstanding troll-man.

With the bandits dealt with, Cathy turned to Flamespeak.

"Stay back, witch! I'm warning you!" he said as Cathy slowly approached him. He let forth a jet of flames at Cathy, but she jumped and artfully dodged it. She stuck her landing and threw one of her daggers at Flamespeak. It hit him in the knee and stuck him to the wall behind him. The threw the other one and it hit Flamespeak in the neck, hitting him in just the right place to block his flame valve. He tried in vain to escape and spew more flames, but both efforts were futile. Cathy stopped inches from Flamespeak's face. She removed her helmet to reveal a beautifully aged goblin woman with high-born features, short gray hair, and deep purple eyes. She place her hand on his face, palm down.

"What are you going to do, bitch? You think I need flames to burn fools?" said the enraged Flamespeak.

"When you get to hell, tell Satan that I'm coming for his ass," said the stone-cold mother as an Assassin's Creed-style hidden blade ejected from beneath her forearm and into Flamespeak's head, entering just above his nose. The blade went deep into his brain and after a moment of convulsions, his body slumped down, supported only by the daggers pinning it to the wall. Flamespeak was dead. The whole audience let out a raccous cheer as confetti poured down from the ceiling. The orc judge went to Cathy and gave her the medal for "Best Battle Rapper in Mandara." Cathy then went to Lil Lenny, grabbed him by the ear and dragged him out of the establishment.

"Wow, mom! Ow. You didn't tell me that you were a - Ow! - a real deal adventurer! Ow!" said the pained and ecstatic Lenny.

"Lenny, there is no excuse for what you did. When we get back home, you're grounded for two months, mister! And besides, you were never supposed to find out."

"Two months?! Ow! That's not fair!"

"It's not fair to make me worry over your disappearance for hours!"

"Why wouldn't you tell me that you used to be an adventurer?" The mother sighed.

"I never wanted you to end up like me or, worse, your father," said Cathy. The rest of the drag home was silent, save for the occasional exclamations of pain from Lenny.

THE END