A Night Out

Razzle the necromancer was dressed up and ready to go. He wore his suit and tie with a matching vest. He had recently shaved his orc cheeks and wore a sick orc mullet. Did I mention he's an orc?

"Come on, man, we're gonna be late!" said Razzle's elven friend, Nebet. Nebet was an apprentice shaman who was also wearing a nice suit.

"Calm down, bro, we won't be late," responded Razzle from the bathroom. Razzle cast a magical time spell and a skull appeared on the bathroom countertop in a puff of green smoke.

"It's 4:47PM!" chattered the skull. It then disappeared in another puff of green smoke.

"Oh shit!" said Razzle. "We're gonna have to ride fast." Razzle jumped down the stairs and landed at the front door. "Nebet! Get your elf ass over here!" Razzle yelled, his voice echoing throughout the house.

"I'm coming!" Nebet yelled as he burst through the floor and landed beside Razzle.

"Uh, that hole?" questioned Razzle.

"I'll fix it later," said Nebet as he pushed Razzle out the door. The two hopped right into their bone Lamborghini and sped off down the road. Nebet couldn't sit still for more than a minute. "Do I look okay?" asked Nebet.

"Yes, you look fine," said Razzle, clearly annoyed.

"I mean, I don't look like I've recently been in battle or anything, right?" asked the insecure Nebet. "Cuz I hear that lady warriors hate shamans that don't put effort into how they look, walking around covered in limbs and bones and blood and teeth and shit hanging all over you."

"It's okay, stop worrying," said Razzle as he cut off some guy in his bone Camry. He flipped them the bird.

"Sorry," said Nebet. "It's just that this is my first date since I left Dark Arts Univesity and I'm jonesing the fuck out! I mean, I haven't even spoken to a woman in at least three years!"

"Look, man," said Razzle, "This is my first date since DAU too, so calm down. We're two young magic-users in our mid twenties. The world of Mandara is our oyster, man! Even if this doesn't work out so well, there are plenty of comely babes in the comely-babe soup that is our world." Nebet only gave a silent nod as the two drove like madmen to The Jazz, a chic restaurant in the city of Hexum.

They parked in the lot outside of The Jazz. On their way around to the front, a bandit ran up to the two in an alley.

"Hey, man," he yelled as he brandished a shortsword and gritted his teeth. "Empty your pockets or I'll empty your heads!"

"Shall I?" Nebet asked to Razzle.

"Please, allow me," said Razzle as he snapped his fingers. A portal opened up beneath the bandit and many skeleton hands began to pull him in. Horrible, blood-curdling screams and purple and red lights emanated from the portal as a ghost materialized by the bandit.

"We're gonna have LOTS of fun with you, flesh bag!" said the ghost as it cackled and pushed the bandit into the hole. As the bandit was fully in the portal, it closed off and the horrific cries for mercy of the bandit ceased at that moment.

"Nice," said Nebet as the duo walked around to the front.

The two entered the restaurant and saw their dates. Razzle's date was an elegant-looking human wizard wearing bright red lipstick, a robe studded with diamonds, and a bowler hat. Nebet's date was a halfling warrior clad in steel armor that really highlighted her cutey halfling booty.

"I take it you're our gentlemen callers," said the wizard lady.                       

"It's a pleasure to see you again, Sheila," Razzle said to the wizard. "I see you've brought your friend Lola."

"It's a double date isn't it?" said Shiela as she got in real close. Razzle blushed. Do you have any idea how blushed Razzle has to be in order to see it through his green-ass orc skin? Like, super blushed. Like, "Afraid to get a boner while getting a hug from that one girl you like as her ripped boyfriend stares you down" blushed. The nervous Razzle peered towards Nebet and Lola and they were just making out hardcore. Yeah. With tongue, dude!

"Uh, yeah," said Razzle.

The four of them sat down at their reserved table. Razzle ordered some dead rat kabobs while Nebet ordered a veggie burger. Shiela asked for just a glass of water and Lola ordered a whole roast pig. Their meals had just arrived when a loud crash occurred in the direction of the entrance of the restaurant. Suddenly, a group of goblins with black leather jackets and chains approached their table.

"Ugh. What are you doing here, Undok?" said Sheila to the hobgoblin that led the crew.

"I'm here to take you back so I can cheat on you again, Sheila!" proclaimed the hobgoblin.

"Go choke on your own jizz, you pathetic piece of shit!" Sheila said as she wrapped her arm around Razzle. Both of his trouser snakes instantly became trouser sticks. "Razzle's my man now!"

"Are you seriously dating that pussy-ass bitch? He doesn't even have all these muscles," said Undok as he flexed off his leather jacket, revealing the hardest, reddest, sweatiest hobgob bod you ever did see.

"Hey, now," said Nebet as he stood up and got all in Undok's grill. "Ain't no need for that here. We're trying to have a quiet dinner date, so you can just--" Nebet was interrupted by a gut punch followed by a swift kick to the dome. Nebet's unconscious body flew across the restaurant and landed on a table where some kid was eating his chicken fingers, even though chickens don't have fingers. Razzle got up out of his seat.

"No one beats on my buddy Nebet but me!" yelled Razzle as he waved his hands. Black magic surrounded his hands as he threw a punch at Undok. Undok ducked and the punch connected with the forehead of one of the goblins. It struck and the goblin's head was enveloped by a black magic orb. The goblin scratched at the orb trying to remove it, but to no avail. He was slowly and painfully asphyxiated over the course of 12 minutes.

While that goblin was dying, Lola got up and drew her greataxe. One of the goblins let out a meaningless comment.

"Hey there, comely maiden," the goblin said as he sneered, "That's a great ass you have! Oh I'm sorry, I meant greataxe."

"Fuck your semantics!" Lola shouted as he cut off the head of the goblin next to that first goblin. The head went flying.

"Sorry to say this babe, but I think you missed," spoke the first goblin.

"I didn't," said Lola. Just then the flying head of the second goblin came down from the heavens and struck the first goblin in the head, reducing the first goblin's head to a mass of goblin pulp that sprayed all over. Both bodies fell to the floor in a pool of blood and brain.

"You think you can just do that shit to my crew?" shouted Undok. "Get 'em, boys!" All the surviving goblins stepped forward wielding chains, crossbows, and halberds and mean-mugged the now-trio. Sheila let out a long sigh as she stood. The goblins made the first move. One of the goblins swung a chain at Razzle. He caught it and sent dark energy through the chain. It slowly became black and rusted and when the rust touched the goblin's hand, the goblin's hand started to become old and withered. He tried to let go of the chain, but the muscles in his old person hand ceased to function. Slowly, but surely, all his life force left his body. Before he died, Razzle jump kicked his head and the whole goblin fell to dust. Two goblins approached Sheila, teeth bared. She drew a shape in the air and cool magic followed it as it eventually formed a huge boner. She then thrust her hand forward and the magic lines shot forward and through one of the goblins. The lines cut out a dong-shaped hole in the goblin's chest.

"My heart was in there somewhere," the goblin said as he fell to the ground and bled out.

"Magic Cookie Cutter Spell, biatch," said Sheila all sly and shit. The other goblin shit his pants out of fear so hard that when he ran out of poop, his anus prolapsed. Yards and yards of intestine flew right the hell out of his sphincter. Once he ran out of intestines, about a quart of acid flew out of his booty hole and then his stomach and throat followed. The goblin's skin drew tight over his bones. Eventually, the skin around what was left of his anus tore and the force of him shitting himself caused him to skin himself alive. All his skin went inside of his mouth and was pooped out. What stood there was a bloody skeleton with muscles, a heart, and soulless, unblinking eyes.

"Man, that was a straight up Mortal Kombat-style finisher right there," said the abomination that stood before them all. Razzle was sure that one of those soulless eyes kept looking at him. "I'm gonna leave now. Maybe joining this bone biker gang was a bad idea, y'know? I'll just see where the road takes me." The muscle skeleton picked up the heap of flesh that exited his anus and walked out of the restaurant. He then walked back in, gave the waiter hefty tip, and then walked out again. The sound of his bone motorcycle echoed throughout the restaurant as flesh-boy drove down the road towards the sunset.

"Good god, did you see that thing? Sick!" exclaimed Razzle, which was a little weird since he was a necromancer, after all. Undok had run out of goblin minions. Lola began to step forward.

"Hey, now, I only wanted to date her so I could fuck her one last time!" pleaded Undok, but his pleas met no sympathy. Lola grabbed the hobgoblin, bit hard on his larynx, and tore his whole throat out. A fountain of blood poured from what was left of Undok's throat as his body crumpled in a heap before the party. Razzle was impressed.

"Girl, you a wylin' motherfucker!" he said.

“No one disrespects women on my watch,” said Lola.

"What a bloodbath," said the waiter. "It took about 6 minutes."

-pause-

After finishing their meal, the four of them stood outside the restaurant. Razzle nervously rubbed his arm as he fumbled around with his words.

"Uh, you fought real well back there," Razzle managed to say.

"Yeah, thanks. You did too! I had a great time tonight," said Sheila.

"Yeah, yeah, me too. I like the way you made that guy shit until he literally could not shit any more. Kinda boggles the mind a bit, huh?"

"Yeah, yeah."

There was a short pause.

"So, you wanna hang out again some time?" asked Razzle.

"Sure, I'd love to!" said Sheila a little too enthusiastically. "Let's just hope that no more boyfriends mess up the evening, right?"

Nebet and Lola would have said some parting words, but they were too busy dry humping on the ground.

THE END